Twelve Days of Attack on Levi
by Song of the Black Wolf
Summary: Someone really has it in for everyone's favorite short little clean freak Captain.


Christmas morning, the door swings open, and an unseen choir begins to sing as a deliveryman brings in a gift:

 **On the first day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
A Partridge in a Pear Tree!**

 _Levi: …..I wonder which of the girls did this…they should all know I wanted a new broom and dustpan set and a pile of micro-fiber cleaning cloths this Christmas!_

The following morning, the same thing occurs:

 **On the second day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree!**

 _Levi: You know, I just finished cleaning up after the last damn bird you brought in!_

 ** __**  
 **On the third day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me: **

_Levi: NO! No more birds! They make too much of a mess!_

 **3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! **

_Levi: NO! More shitting birds!_

 **On the fourth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! **

_Levi: What the fuck did I tell you about the birds!? All they do is eat & shit & eat & shit & eat & shit & eat & shit & eat & shit! I spend all my time cleaning up and sanitizing after them!_

 **On the fifth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
5 Golden Rings **

_Levi: Don't you dare bring in any more birds! I can't keep up with the little shits I already have!_

 **4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves **

_Levi: I'd rather have Turtle Necks!_

 **and a Partridge in a Pear Tree!**

 **On the sixth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
6 Geese a Laying **

_Levi: What kind of sick bastard came up with this?! If this is love, somebody seriously fucked up!_

 **5 Golden Rings  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree!**

 **On the seventh day of Christmas**

 _Levi: No, no, no, no! You can stop now! There's no room left!_

 **my true love sent to me:**

 _Levi: No … Noooo!_

 **7 Swans a Swimming**

 _Levi: AAAAAAAUGH! More messy, unsanitary birds! There's no place for them to swim! No! Don't put them down! *SIGH*_

 **6 Geese a Laying**

 _Levi: You mean 6 geese a shitting._

 **5 Golden Rings** ****

 _Levi: How about industrial strength cleaners and sanitizer for cleaning up after all this?!_

 **4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves**

 _Levi: And another fucking little Pooper in a Pear Tree!_

 **On the eighth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
8 Maids a Milking **

_Levi: Wait! No! That means cows! I. . . no! WAIT! I don't have the proper equipment available to clean up after …. *groan* Yeah. Sure. Just bring it all in anyway…_

 **7 Swans a Swimming  
6 Geese a Laying **

_Levi: Yeah, laying all over the place shedding and shitting and screaming!_

 **5 Golden Rings  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens **

_Levi: The useless things don't even lay eggs! Why couldn't it have been potatoes? Nice clean, edible potatoes?_

 **2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! **

_Levi: How can you tell it's a pear tree? I don't see any fruit on it!_

 **** ** _  
_**  
 **On the ninth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me: **

_Levi (holding his head): How long can this torture go on?!_

 **9 Ladies Dancing**

 _Levi: Why? What's the point? DON'T STEP IN THE COW . . . . Never mind._

 **8 Maids a Milking  
7 Swans a Swimming  
6 Geese a Laying  
5 Golden Rings  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! **

_Levi: Maybe if I make the dancers wear mop shoes, they could actually be useful_

 ** __**  
 **On the tenth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me:  
10 Lords a Leaping **

_Levi: WHAT!? There's no more room! I can't clean with all these idiots running around with their shit smeared shoes spreading shit everywhere!_

 **9 Ladies Dancing**

 _Levi: You need to wear the mop shoes . . . Stand still a second so I can put them on you! HEY!_

 **8 Maids a Milking  
7 Swans a Swimming  
6 Geese a Laying  
5 Golden Rings  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! **

_Levi: *Groans as the latest partridge poops on his head.*_

 **On the eleventh day of Christmas**

 _Levi: Just how many fucking days of Christmas are there!?_

 **my true love sent to me:**

 _Levi: With love like this, who needs Titans?_

 **11 Pipers Piping**

 _Levi: *with a nervous tick in the left eye* Noise, yes, that is what was missing …_

 **10 Lords a Leaping  
9 Ladies Dancing  
8 Maids a Milking  
7 Swans a Swimming  
6 Geese a Laying **

_Levi: *whimpers* Is it really necessary to repeat the prior days' gifts every fucking time? This is such a fucking nightmare!_

 **5 Golden Rings  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree!**

 **On the twelfth day of Christmas  
my true love sent to me: **

_Levi: (Looks around the room all full of people and cows and birds, the floor and wall coated in shit, broken eggs, feathers and milk – the nervous tick in the left eye becomes slightly more pronounced as he looks forlornly at his ineffective little bucket and mop) Now what? (he asks weakly)_

 **12 Drummers Drumming!**

 _Levi: (Eye pupils shrink to almost nothing as 24 muddy boots tromp in, and his face turns ashen as he collapses to the floor sobbing uncontrollably) What sick, twisted soul could possibly have come up with such a horrible torture!?_

Just outside the door, with a twisted, Grinch-like grin on his face, Eren chuckles softly, then turns on his heel and walks down the hallway, singing along with the last chorus of the final procession…

 **11 Pipers Piping  
10 Lords a Leaping  
9 Ladies Dancing  
8 Maids a Milking  
7 Swans a Swimming  
6 Geese a Laying  
5 Golden Rings  
4 Calling Birds  
3 French Hens  
2 Turtle Doves  
and a Partridge Shitting in a Pear Tree!**


End file.
